Snippets from the ER
by cein
Summary: 16 - Snippets based on Chaos Theory (S9 premiere)
1. Christmas - 1

  
Following in ElaineMc's footsteps (with her kind permission), I've written some 'Christmas snippets' from the ER.   
Since this is supposed to be a 'fun-fic', I've pretty much ignored most of season 7, with one or two exceptions.  
  
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"C'mon Randi, you promised," said Dave.  
  
"Do the words 'no way in hell', mean anything to you Malucci?" asked Randi, with menace in her voice.  
  
"Go on Randi," said Amira, smirking. "After all, a promise is a promise."  
  
Randi glared at her. "Yeah, Randi," said Dave. "You promised you'd kiss me under the mistletoe, if I got your car running, and I did."  
  
"That," said Randi, deliberately, "Was before I saw you hang the mistletoe on your belt buckle."  
  
--------------------  
  
Haleh and Conni stood back as Elizabeth emerged from the toilet cubicle wiping her mouth.  
  
"You okay, honey?" asked Haleh, with concern.  
  
"Whoever named this 'morning sickness' should be sued under the trade descriptions act," moaned Elizabeth. "I've been puking my guts up all day."  
  
"Don't worry," said Conni. "It should ease up in a few more weeks. Just hang in there."  
She patted Elizabeth reassuringly on the shoulder, and received a wan smile in return.  
  
"Yeah," said Haleh. "A couple of more weeks and all you'll have to worry about is cravings."  
  
Elizabeth looked at Haleh suspiciously as she continued. "With my first, all I wanted was chocolate ice cream."  
  
"That doesn't sound too bad," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Chocolate ice cream on top of potatoes," continued Haleh.  
  
"Oh please," said Conni, with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I sent Lenny out at three in the morning to get me a blueberry muffin. And then I poured ketchup all over it."  
  
Elizabeth made a strangled noise and ran back into the cubicle. Haleh and Conni 'high-fived' each other.  
  
--------------------  
  
"Go away Carter," said Benton, sitting on the bench in the surgeons changing rooms. His voice muffled by the towel draped over his head.  
  
"But I'm really, really sorry," said Carter apologetically. "I thought it was Malucci's bag I put the bottle in. I never meant for you to use it."  
  
"Just go away Carter," said Benton, standing up and removing the towel.  
  
Carter tried to suppress a smile at the sight of Benton standing there with bleached hair. "It'll grow out in a few weeks," he said, helplessly as Benton glared at him.  
  
"Carter," said Benton, "Go - away."  
  
"You look good as a blond," said Carter, before beating a hasty retreat.  
  
------------------------  
  
"Here's my contribution for the Christmas party," said Chuny, dropping a large biscuit tin on the counter.  
  
"What did you bring?" asked Amira; as she pried open the lid.  
  
"Gingerbread men," said Chuny.  
  
"Shouldn't that be 'Gingerbread persons'?" asked Yosh.  
  
"Uh-uh," said Chuny, "These guys are definitely men."  
  
"Oh my," said Yosh, his eyes widening as he looked in the tin. "They certainly are."  
  
------------------------  
  
Abby stood in front of Kerry, staring at the floor.  
  
"You were in charge of the patient throughout?" said Kerry, tapping her crutch impatiently.  
  
"Yes," said Abby, not looking up.  
  
"You did a complete examination, sent off the required labs and wrote up the notes?"  
  
"Uh-uh," nodded Abby.  
  
"Then would you mind explaining to me exactly how Mr. Scott ended up on the OB ward awaiting a c-section," said Kerry.  
  
----------------------  
  
THE END (well for now anyway)  
  
  



	2. Christmas - 2

Christmas Snippets 2  
(Since this is intended as a 'fun-fic', I have ignored much of season 7 - but there are some spoilers)  
  
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"I need some volunteers to hang decorations," said Kerry. "Kovac, Malucci, with me now."  
  
"But it's my break," moaned Dave.   
  
"Not anymore," said Kerry, as they followed her out to admit.  
  
A few minutes later.  
  
"You'll need to climb a little higher," said Haleh to Luka, as he perched on top of the stepladder with a paper chain in his hand.  
  
"How does this look?" asked Luka, holding the chain in place.  
  
Haleh was looking at Luka's butt. "That looks mighty fine, honey. Mighty fine indeed."  
  
Kerry was handing decorations to Dave, to put on the Christmas tree. Stretching to reach the top branches put even more of a strain on his scrub top and jeans.  
  
"I see someone gave herself an early Christmas present," said Randi to Yosh, as they watched Kerry watching Dave.  
  
"Mmm," said Yosh.  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Peter, there are two things you should remember when holding mistletoe up to kiss someone under," said Cleo, with a pained expression on her face.  
  
"Firstly, don't use the piece that was on the admit desk and being used as a repository for Randi's gum. And secondly, don't drop it on my hair."  
  
"I'm really sorry Cleo," said Peter, with a scalpel in his hand. "Now if you'll just hold still, we'll soon have it off."  
  
There was a snicking sound and Peter said, "Oops."  
  
-----------------------   
  
Jing-Mei watched was Malik crouched under the Christmas tree checking the labels on the 'secret Santa' gifts.  
  
"What's he doing?" asked Yosh.   
  
"Looking for his gift," she replied.  
  
"He doesn't seem to be having much luck."  
  
"I know," said Jing-Mei with a smug grin, as she held up a present clearly marked 'Malik'. "He never wants to wait until we're all ready; so I'm not going to put this out until just before it's time. Do him good to have to wait."  
  
-----------------------  
  
  
"I'm not coming out," said Dave from inside the toilet cubicle.  
  
"Oh come on, Dave," said Carter. "You can't let all the kiddies down."  
  
"What's the matter?" asked Luka, joining Carter outside the door.  
  
"Dave 'volunteered' to give out the Christmas presents on the Paedes ward, and now he's chickening out."  
  
"We'll see about that," said Luka, "Dave," he called, "Come out now or I...I will call Dr Weaver."  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm coming out," said Dave, "But you guys had better not laugh."  
  
"Why would we laugh?" Luka asked Carter.  
  
Carter tried to keep a straight face. "Because they were all out of Santa costumes so we had to go with the next best alternative."  
  
Luka's jaw dropped as Dave came out of the cubicle wearing a fairy godmother costume.  
  
"Not one word," he said. "Not one word."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Umm, Dr Greene?" said Abby.  
  
"What is it now?" asked Mark, as he tried to mould a sheet of wrapping paper around a screwdriver set. Elizabeth was going to love this, he though to himself. Hey, what woman didn't want her own set of DIY tools? He ran his hand gently over the box. Man, she was really going to be pleased when she opened her present.   
  
Abby watched as Mark gazed adoringly at the package.  
  
"Uh, never mind," she said, backing away quietly.  
  
-------------------  
  
"No Dave," said Kerry wearily, "You cannot use the sternal saw to trim the extra branches off the Christmas tree. Find something else."  
  
"Okay Chief," said Dave cheerfully. He walked away and returned a few minutes later with a fire axe.  
  
"Don't even think about it," said Kerry, not looking up.  
  
---------------------  
  
to be continued...maybe....  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Valentine's Day

Seasonal snippets.  
(aka more musings from my sick and twisted mind)  
  
Notes - since this is a 'fun-fic' I've ignored a lot of Season 7, but there are some spoilers.  
  
--------------------  
  
Kerry sighed as she looked at her notes, "So you started an I.V. of Dilantin on the patient?" The figure in front of her nodded.   
  
"And you didn't tell her that it was going to sting as it went in?" There was another nod.   
  
"And she wasn't very happy about this?" This was answered by a muffled grunt.  
  
"So she ripped out the I.V... and threw the I.V. bag at you?"  
  
-------------------  
  
"You know Dave," said Carter patronizingly. "If you're going to send Valentines Day cards to all the girls you're dating, it's usually a good idea to get a few different designs..." He paused for effect. "Especially if you're sending them to twin sisters."  
  
"Just shut up and unlock the door," came the muffled reply.  
  
Carter looked at Dave's locker, from where the reply had come. "You know, Haleh was in here before me...why didn't you ask her to let you out?"  
  
Dave mumbled something that Carter couldn't catch. "What was that Dave?" he asked as he fiddled with the lock. The door swung open to reveal Dave wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. "Ah..." said Carter.  
  
------------------  
  
"And then she took the I.V. tubing and tied you up with it?" said Kerry. The figure in front of her nodded. "Oh, that came after she ripped open the saline with her teeth? Okay." Kerry crossed something out on her pad and wrote in something else.  
  
--------------------  
  
"And then...then I buried my family and came to America," said Luka, a sorrowful expression on his face.   
  
"Oh that's so sad," said Chuny, patting his hand. "Listen, if you ever want to talk...or anything...you just give me a call." She quickly scribbled her number on a piece of paper and handed it to him. Kissing him quickly on the cheek, she headed back to work.  
  
Luka waited until she was out of sight before grinning widely and punching the air in jubilation. Let's see, he thought to himself as he carefully put Chuny's piece of paper in the pocket of his lab-coat, tucking it neatly with all the others, three ER nurses, two from OB, and that scrub nurse called Shirley. "I should have tried this a long time ago," he said to himself as he headed down the hall.  
  
-----------------------   
  
"So she took your thermometer and stuck it where?" There was a muffled reply. "I hope she didn't break it," said Kerry. There was an indignant yelp. "Well they're expensive..."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Peter was standing at the admit desk when Cleo came up to him and threw her arms around. Kissing him on the cheek, she said, "Oh Peter, that was so sweet of you...the roses and the chocolate...I can't believe it...and here was me thinking you'd forgotten about Valentines Day."  
  
Peter's jaw dropped as Cleo went on, "And I just know that the dinner is going to be wonderful," she said.   
  
"Dinner?" yelped Peter.  
  
"Why yes...the dinner you promised me in the card," said Cleo, a puzzled expression appearing on her face.  
  
"Oh yeah...the dinner," said Peter. "Yeah...it'll be good...um, can you just excuse me for one minute..." He kissed Cleo quickly on the cheek and set off for the lounge at a run.   
  
Jing-Mei watched him scurry away before turning to Cleo. "Dr. Benton got you flowers and chocolates and he's taking you out to dinner?"  
  
"Hell no," said Cleo. "I knew he'd never think of doing anything like that, so I sent them to myself...now he's probably ringing round all the restaurants trying to book a table for two." She smiled smugly.   
  
"Girl, I like your style," said Jing-Mei admiringly.   
  
-----------------------  
  
"So after I put his details onto the computer, I just checked to see if he had a criminal record," said Frank to Luka.   
  
"You checked to see whether the Bishop had a criminal record?" asked Luka, shocked.   
  
"Well, yeah," said Frank. "I mean, those guys go round wearing dresses all the time...you can't be too careful."  
  
The Bishop looked at Luka and then looked at Frank before saying, "That'll do pig."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"So after she pulled out the thermometer, she did what?" asked Kerry. There was a barely audible reply. "She did what with the sternal saw?" "Mumble mumble."   
"Oh, she cut your scrub top off." Kerry looked at the pieces of cloth on the floor. "Mmm, I must say, she did a very neat job..." There was another yelp of indignation.   
  
"Oh stop complaining Abby," said Kerry, looking at the trussed up nurse on the floor. "You got off lightly. Now, I would untie you...but I'm afraid it's time for my break...I'll be back in ten minutes...maybe..." She left the room.  
  
---------------------  
  
Carter sat on a chair in the Lounge staring gloomily at his watch. Dave and Mark watched him unobtrusively from a corner.   
  
"He's been like that for ages man," said Dave. "He seems to be counting down to something."  
  
"Any idea what?"  
  
Dave shrugged, "I dunno."  
  
"Four, three, two, one..." said Carter, looking at his watch as the numbers changed to 02.56. "Wahhhh," he wailed. "Lucy's dead..."  
  
Mark rolled his eyes. "Man, I can't believe he's still going on about her. Carter, it's been a year...get over it already."  
  
--------------------  
  
"Dr. Weaver," said Haleh. "Have you seen Abby anywhere?"  
  
"Oh crap," said Kerry, "I forgot all about her...oh well, another few minutes won't hurt." She went back to watching Luka who was reaching down between a gap in the admit desk.  
  
"Are you sure that your keys are down here Kerry?" Luka asked as he straightened up.  
  
"Oh I'm certain," replied Kerry. "You might need to stretch down a bit further."  
  
Luka sighed and reached down again.  
  
Kerry sighed as she watched his muscles strain. Abby could definitely wait another few minutes.  
  
--------------------  
  
Authors note. The 'Dilantin incident' was inspired by Ellen's comments about what she would have done if she hadn't been warned that Dilantin would sting.   
The Carter at 02.56 was inspired by a post on a.t.e. months and months ago speculating on how Carter would cope with Valentine's day (if deja was still working, I'd find out who exactly to credit, but it isn't, so I can't.)  
  
  
  



	4. Yet More Snippets

Yet more snippets  
  
  
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Kerry wrapped her arms around Luka and did her best to stick her tongue down his throat. They stayed like that for a full five minutes before Kerry pulled away and turned to Kim. "You see? I'm not gay."  
  
Kim sighed as she looked at Kerry, "I believe you Kerry," she said. "You don't have to prove it to me...it's okay." She smiled at her.  
  
"Uh-uh, you don't believe me...I can tell," said Kerry as she pushed Luka out the door of exam one. "NEXT," she yelled.   
  
Carter came in. "Um, Dr. Weaver wha..." was all he managed to say before Kerry jumped him.  
  
Outside exam one Dave was pacing nervously. He looked up as Luka came staggering out. "Geez man...what sort of 'performance evaluation' did she give you?"  
  
------------------  
  
"No," said Cleo firmly. "And don't ask me again."  
  
"Aw come-on Cleo baby," said Peter in his most beseeching tone. "Just for me...just once..."  
  
"No no and no," said Cleo. "If you want to make out with someone in an operating gown then ask Romano, cause I'm not doing it." Slamming the charts down, she walked away.  
  
"He already turned me down," muttered Peter under his breath. Hearing footsteps approach, he turned around and his eyes lit up. "Carter my man...how've you been?"  
  
-------------------  
  
Dave is busy suturing a head laceration in curtain three. "You know cutting your face up isn't really a good idea - apart from all the risks of infection and crap like that - no matter how neatly I do this, there's still gonna be a scar." He ties off the final suture and looks approvingly at his work before continuing. "And the chicks don't dig scars. Am I right Dr. Corday?" he calls over to the next bed where Elizabeth has been called in for a surgical consult.  
  
"Er, um, that is...sometimes..." Elizabeth stammers as she looks up from her patient.  
  
"Go ahead Elizabeth," says Mark, with his arms folded. "Tell the man..."  
  
-------------------  
  
In exam one, Kim was looking at her watch. "Kerry, you're going to get blisters," she warned.   
  
Kerry had moved on from doctors to nurses. Yosh had already run screaming from the room but Malik seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.  
  
--------------------  
  
"Um," said Elizabeth looking from Mark to Dave to the patient, all of whom were waiting expectantly. "Um, can I plead the fifth?" she asked helplessly.  
  
"Nu-uh," said Mark, "You're not American."  
  
"Surely the fact that I'm almost married to one and about to give birth to another counts for something?" pleaded Elizabeth. Mark shook his head.  
  
"Oh crap," said Elizabeth. Thinking quickly she said, "Er, I'm going to be sick...I'll tell you later..." and ran out of the room.  
  
--------------------  
  
"I am going to kill Dr. Malucci," said Luka as he bent over the basin in the men's room while scrubbing frantically at his face.  
  
"What did he do this time?" asked Carter as he brushed his teeth.  
  
Luka lifted his head and Carter nearly choked on his toothbrush.  
  
"Because he told me that it was an old St. Patrick's day tradition for a man to paint his face green to declare his love for a woman. But when Abby saw me like this, she just laughed."  
  
Carter shook his head. "Typical Malucci...he always gets things mixed up," he said, shaking his head. "It's not your face that should be green...it's your hair."  
  
Luka looked suspiciously at Carter. "You are sure about that?"  
  
Carter put on his best 'would I lie to you?' expression.   
  
"Thank you Carter," said Luka as he removed the last of the green face-paint. "I owe you one." Drying himself off, he left the room.   
  
Carter turned around and gave a thumb's up sign to Dave who had just emerged from a toilet cubicle.   
  
---------------------  
  
Kerry wiped away the last of her smeared lipstick and said to Kim, "See? See? I told you I was straight."  
  
Kim nodded, "Yes you did, Kerry," she said smiling. "And I told you that you didn't have to prove anything to me."  
  
Kerry shook her head. "I can see you're not convinced." Turning to the door, she yelled, "NEXT."  
  
Frank the desk clerk stuck his head round the door. "They told me there was some sort of performance evaluation going on here?" he said eagerly.  
  
Kerry turned to Kim, "Okay, I admit it...I'm gay..."  
  
-----------------  
  
Luka stormed into the Lounge. "I am going to kill Carter and Malucci," he yelled.  
  
Jing-Mei looked up from the couch. "Whoa!" she exclaimed upon seeing the now green haired attending. "What happened?"  
  
"First Malucci tells me to paint my face green for St. Patrick's Day...then Carter tells me to dye my hair green...they said it was traditional for a man in love."  
  
Jing-Mei shook her head and sighed.  
"I can't believe that you trusted those two clowns," she said. "You should have asked me...I'd have told you it was a waste of time."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Sure...nobody paints their faces or dyes their hair...it's all body art...you're supposed to get a Celtic design painted on your um..." Jing-Mei looked around and quickly whispered something in Luka's ear. Even through the tinge of green that was still on his face she could see him blush.   
  
"Dr. Chen," gasped Luka. "You...you cannot be serious?"  
  
"Hey...I've got a photographic memory...I don't get things mixed up..."  
  
Looking slightly dazed, Luka left the room.   
  
Jing-Mei waited until she was sure he was gone and then said, "Okay guys, you can come out now."   
  
Dave and Carter scrambled out from underneath the table. "Man, I can't believe he fell for that one," laughed Carter. "Abby is going to go nuts when she sees a design painted on his ass."  
  
"His ass?" yelped Jing-Mei. "That's not where Dave said to tell him to put it"  
  
Dave just grinned smugly.   
  
------------------  
  
The End  
  
  



	5. April Snippets

APRIL SNIPPETS  
(Partly inspired by 'April Showers'... which is pretty neat considering, I haven't seen it yet g)  
  
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As Mark and Elizabeth stand before the altar, the minister says, "If there is anyone here who knows of a reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."  
  
After a few minutes silence, Romano stands up. "I can't let this continue, Lizzie, don't throw yourself away on this doofus, you know that I love you..."  
  
"Oh God," mutters Elizabeth.  
  
--------------------  
  
"Carter, I do not think you should go in there," said Luka, as Carter was about to go into the lounge.  
  
Carter smirked at Luka and said patronizingly, "Dr. Kovac, I am a 4th year ER resident...I've worked here for almost 7 years...I have experience in the fields of trauma and surgery...I'm younger than you, better looking...and your girlfriend has the hots for me...I do *not* need you or anyone else telling me where I should or should not go...now if you will excuse me..." Carter turned and pushed his way into the Lounge.  
  
Luka watched as the basin that had been balanced on top of the door emptied itself on top of Carter.  
  
"I told you...you should not have gone in there," he said.  
  
-------------------  
  
After Romano had been escorted from the Church kicking and screaming, the minister asked his question again. "If there is anyone here who knows of a reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."  
  
The doors burst open and Susan Lewis rushed in, "Mark, Mark...I'm sorry...I should never have gone to Phoenix...I love you..."  
  
Mark looked at Elizabeth; "I have never seen this woman before in my life...pretty damm cute though..."  
  
Elizabeth thumped him with her bouquet and called for security.   
  
----------------------  
  
"Um Deb," said Carter.  
  
"Yeah," replied Jing-Mei, who was filling in a chart.  
  
"You know when you warned Dave that one of his girlfriends was looking for him?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And you know you suggested that he hide out in the supply closet until she was gone..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And you said that you'd come and get him when the coast was clear?"  
  
"Carter, do you have a point?"  
  
"Um, I was just going to point out that it's been almost an hour since she left..."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Uh, so nothing I guess."  
  
----------------------  
  
"Okay people," said Kerry to the group of doctors assembled in front of her. "In an effort to facilitate the smoother running of the ER, I've drawn up a few new rules regarding who sees what patients. Dr. Carter will now be treating all drug addicts, both recovering and non-recovering. Dr. Chen will treat all expectant mothers. You can call on Dr. Corday if you need assistance. You'll also be responsible for children...especially those from broken homes and/or with neglectful patients."  
  
"Wait a minute, I'm the pediatrician," objected Cleo, "Why don't I get to treat the children?"  
  
Kerry consulted her notes, "Because you only work on cases that involve Dr. Benton, both directly and indirectly."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
"Dr. Kovac, you will handle all terminal cases..."  
  
"What if the ER is busy and I have to take a non-terminal case?" asked Luka.  
  
Kerry frowned, "You'll have to stick to the rules...just kill them anyway."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Elizabeth looked indignantly at Kerry, "Mark's had half his skull cut open, chemotherapy wafers inserted into his brain...he's had to undergo radiotherapy, appointments with Psychiatrists, Psychologists, he's had personality tests, CT scans, MRI's...just when were you going to tell him that his tumor was really a piece of Dr. Flint's donut that fell onto the CT film's?"  
  
-----------------------  
  
"What happened?" asked Abby, seeing Carter covered in greenish slime.  
  
"Carter got caught by one of Malucci's belated April Fool's Day pranks," grinned Luka. "And by the way, *do* you have the hots for him?"  
  
Abby watched as Carter tried unsuccessfully to wipe the slime off his face. "Not anymore..."  
  
----------------------  
  
Jing-Mei grabbed Cleo in an arm lock and frog marched her into curtain 3.   
  
"You see these patients?" she said, indicating the beds. "You see these children?"  
  
"Yeah, I see them," said Cleo.  
  
"Fine... then see them...I've been treating kids for the last six months...you're the pediatrician...you treat them..."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Back at the wedding, Peter stood up and said, "Elizabeth, remember what we once had...we can be like that again..."  
  
Before he could continue, Jen Greene burst in through the doors, "Mark, it was all a mistake, I never should have left you...please...give me another chance..."  
  
Yosh stood up and said, "Dr. Greene...I've never said this to you before...but I find bald men incredibly sexy...and..."  
  
He was interrupted by Kerry, who had joined the congregation unnoticed.  
  
"Oh no," said Mark, seeing her limp down the aisle, "Please don't tell me that you're in love with me too?"  
  
"You have got to be kidding," snapped Kerry. "I can't stand you...but Elizabeth on the other hand..."  
  
The minister sighed, "Perhaps it would have been easier if I had asked if there was anyone here who *didn't* object to this union?"  
  
The Bishop shrugged, "Don't ask me, I'm dead."  
  
-----------------------  
  
THE END  
  
  



	6. Sailing Away

ATTENTION all readers.   
To enhance your enjoyment of this fic, please follow these instructions.  
1. Remove all liquids from the vicinity of your computer. No matter how thirsty you are, do not drink anything while you are reading this fic.  
2. Remove all foodstuffs as well. Don't even think of eating anything for the duration.   
3. Lock all pets away in a soundproof location.  
4. Ditto for your spouse/partner/offspring/siblings etc...unless you want to let them read it as well.  
5. Make sure you're sitting comfortably.   
  
You may now commence reading. :-)  
  
Snippets inspired by 'Sailing Away'  
  
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"No Mark," said Elizabeth firmly.   
  
"Please," begged Mark, "Think of how much money we'd save."  
  
"I don't care...under no circumstances are you giving me a C-section...I don't care how much practice you've had at them."  
  
----------------------  
  
Haleh frowned as she saw Carter and Luka sitting in the lounge looking very gloomy.   
"What's up with those two?" she asked Malik. "I mean, I know they're hardly ever 'bundles of joy' but this is bad...even for them."  
  
"They decided to find out once and for all, just which of them had the bigger...um, you know..." Malik dropped his voice to a whisper before saying, "Penis."  
  
Haleh rolled her eyes. "Typical male behavior," she replied. "But why are they both so gloomy?"  
  
Malik grinned, "Cause a few of us decided to join in and neither of them won."  
  
Haleh frowned. "So who did win it then?"  
  
Malik indicated the corner of the lounge where Abby, Chuny and Rena were paying an unseen figure a lot of attention. "Who's the man?" he called out. "You the man Yosh."  
  
---------------  
  
"Wow," said Mark, "You're sweating a lot more than Carol was when she was in labor. I told you that you should have taken more exercise..."  
  
Elizabeth groaned her way through another contraction and then turned to her OB nurse, "Do you think it would be justifiable homicide if I killed him now?"  
  
"You want me to get you a scalpel?"  
  
---------------  
  
"Carter," said Jing-Mei. "You've gone through college, med-school, surgery and now an ER rotation."  
  
"Uh-uh," grunted Carter.  
  
"You're obviously of above average intelligence..."  
  
"Uh-uh."  
  
"So why the hell can't you remember to call me 'Jing-Mei' instead of Deb?"  
  
"You know, you'd probably get a better answer out of him if you untied him from the gurney and took that gag out of his mouth," commented Dave.  
  
"Hey, was I talking to you?"  
  
---------------  
  
"Um Elizabeth," said Elizabeth's OB nurse. "When Mark said to squeeze him when the contractions got too painful, I don't think that was where he meant."  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Elizabeth. "Personally I think that's the most appropriate part of his anatomy to use."  
  
All Mark could do was yelp in agreement.  
  
---------------  
  
Abby knocked on the hotel room, "Maggie? We've come to take you back to Chicago. Will you open the door?"  
  
Maggie puts the finishing touches to her lipstick. "Did you bring that nice Euro doctor with you?"  
  
Abby frowns, "No...he...he couldn't make it."   
  
"Shit," cursed Maggie.   
  
---------------  
  
Elizabeth was on the phone to her mother, "Yes, a daughter, 7lbs, no problems...and she's the image of Mark."  
  
"Oh dear," said Isabelle, "I am so sorry...but don't worry, I'm sure your father knows of a good plastic surgeon."  
  
"Mother," wailed Elizabeth indignantly.  
  
------------------  
  
Abby pushed Carter towards the door of Maggie's hotel room. "You try and talk to her," she sighed.  
  
"Um, Mrs. Wyscynski?" said Carter uncertainly. "I'm Dr. Carter from County General...and a friend of Abby's. Do you remember me?"  
  
"Your voice sounds familiar...move a little closer...let me hear you again."  
  
Carter moved closer to the door. "This okay?" he asked.  
  
The door was suddenly flung open and Abby caught a quick glimpse of her mother before she reached out and dragged Carter into the room, slamming the door behind them.  
  
"Mother," yelled Abby indignantly.  
  
------------------  
  
Mark carefully held the baby up so Haleh could see her.   
  
"Oh, she's such a sweetie," said Haleh. "You and Dr. Corday must be so happy."  
  
"We are," replied Mark, beaming widely. "And the best bit is...in another 5 years, she'll be able to explain to us how to work the VCR."  
  
--------------------  
  
Abby thumped the door furiously. "Dammit Maggie, let me in..."  
  
The door opened quickly and a rather disheveled Carter was shoved out.   
  
Abby's jaw dropped as she saw the lipstick smears on his face. "It's okay," he said, "I managed to persuade her to come back to Chicago...but for some reason she insists that I sit in the back seat with her...can't imagine why..."  
  
---------------------  
  
"Oh Mark, she's beautiful," said Cleo, "May I hold her?"  
  
"Sure," said Mark, grinning. "Here...be careful to support her head..."  
  
Cleo raised an eyebrow at him. "I do know how to hold a baby...I *am* a Pediatrician you know," she said.  
  
"Could have fooled me," muttered Dave.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Elizabeth sat on the bed holding Ella. Mark was sitting beside her with his arms around both of them.   
  
"She's so beautiful," whispered Elizabeth.   
  
"Almost as beautiful as you," whispered Mark.  
  
Ella stared up at her parents and wondered how soon she could divorce them.  
  
----------------------  
  
The End.....for now g  
  
  
  
  



	7. Even more Snippets

  
Even more snippets  
  
Usual warnings apply...lock away all pets/offspring/partners etc, don't eat, don't drink, don't blame me if you disregard the warnings and 'decorate' your monitor etc etc.  
  
----------------------  
  
Mark looked arrogantly at his patient. "I have decided that I am going to withhold treatment from you," he said carefully. "You are a worthless creature, who has terrorized innocents for long enough...you do not deserve to be treated by such an amazingly wonderful doctor as myself...I judge you unworthy of my remarkable skills."  
  
The patient pulled the head off his 'Barney' outfit, "Look dude," he said, "All I wanted was an aspirin for a headache."  
  
------------------------  
  
Carter and Jing-Mei, treating the civilian who shot Fossen.  
  
"And guns are really dangerous," said Carter. "You should see the amounts of injuries we get in here from them and...and...and you really did a brave thing...I wish more people like you carried guns..."  
  
"Nice try Carter," said Maggie Doyle as she walked by, "But I'm still not going out with you."  
  
"Oh come on," moaned Carter. "I haven't had a date in..." (he quickly counts on his fingers) "Four episodes...I'm overdue..."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you...I'm gay."  
  
"Would you date me if I had a sex change?"  
  
----------------------  
  
Doug and Carol rush up to the church door in the pouring rain.   
  
"I thought we were never going to make it," says Carol. "This weather is terrible."  
  
They make their way into the church and stare open-mouthed at the empty pews.   
  
"This *is* the right church?" asks Carol, looking around her in confusion.  
  
"Let me check," says Doug as he pulls out the invitation. He looks at it...goes pale...and tries to put it away.   
  
"Let me see," orders Carol. He reluctantly hands it over. "Oh," says Carol coldly. "I see...we appear to have the right church...but we're a week late...YOU IDIOT!" (She thumps Doug with her bouquet)   
  
---------------------  
  
Elizabeth walks into her house with Ella under one arm. "Mark...I'm home," she calls out as she juggles keys, groceries and a baby. "Mmm, that smells nice," she says, walking into the kitchen. "But I thought I was going to cook today."  
  
Mark pulls a covered tray out of the oven. "I know...but I got the heads up from Malucci that Kerry was going to call in the 'competency testers' for me again...he said I should try 'cooking the books'...so I did..."  
  
Mark lifts the lid on the baking tray. "I'm doing War and Peace Flambé, with a side of Dickens. Hungry?"  
  
----------------------  
  
"What's Malucci doing?" asked Carter as he dumped a load of charts on the admit desk.   
  
"Shh," said Randi. "He's trying to get the bank to loan him the cash for a car."  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Carter. "What's he going for...Porsche or BMW?"  
  
Randi snickered. "Based on what I've overheard, I think the choice has been narrowed down to roller blades or skateboard."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Abby was in the ambulance bay smoking a cigarette when Chuny called her name.   
  
"Hey Abby...you know you asked Carter and Dr. Kovac to wait in the lounge while you decided which one of them you wanted to date?"  
  
"Yeah," said Abby, taking a deep puff of her cigarette. "I mean how do you decide between two good-looking doctors, both hopelessly in love with me...I mean, on the one hand Carter's loaded...but then he does have that drug problem...plus he keeps bumming cigarettes off me. On the other hand, Luka can be a misery guts at times...but he's soooo hot..."  
  
"Well, I don't think you need to worry about it any more...cause I went into the lounge to get a coffee and the two of them were doing something NC-17 rated to each other on the couch...and I don't mean swearing."  
  
-------------------  
  
"I can't believe that bitch maced me," groaned Dave as he tried to see through watery eyes.   
  
"Hold still," said Yosh as he tried to irrigate Dave's eyes. "You're making me get saline all over your scrub top...it's soaking."  
  
Dave shrugged, "Hang on a minute...I'll change it." He pulled off the scrub top, revealing all his glorious muscles.  
  
There was a thud as Yosh swooned.  
  
"Um...Yosh?" called Dave staring blindly around the room. "You can finish irrigating my eyes now...Yosh?"  
  
------------------------  
  
"This is so unfair," wailed Carter. "I've been working towards Chief Residents position ever since I heard Deb was apply...err, ever since I started working here...and now you won't let me apply. It's because of my drug addiction...isn't it? Why can't you people see past it...I'm clean...I'm almost finished my probation."  
  
"Actually the reason you can't apply for it is because if you got the position you'd be smirking permanently, and I can't stand the thought of that," said Kerry.  
  
---------------------  
  
"Come on Dave," said Carter, holding out the lab coat. "You can't go around in your vest all day."  
  
"Yeah man," said Malik. "Half the nurses have already fainted...and we're short staffed as it is."  
  
Dave reluctantly pulled on the lab coat. "I feel weird like this," he complained.  
  
"You'll get used to it," declared Carter, pushing Dave towards the admit desk. "Now go see some patients...Dr. Dave."  
  
Carter and Malik 'high-fived' each other as Dave walked away in his brand new lab coat...pure white...except for the words 'I am gay' written on the back.   
  
---------------------  
  
  
Author's notes  
Thanks to Christy V for giving me the 'cooking the books' idea.   
  
  



	8. Snip a dee do dah

  
Snip a dee do dah  
  
WARNING - contains spoilers for the last few episodes of season 7, and for some of the rumors regarding season 8.  
  
Usual warnings apply...move all pets, partners and offspring to a safe location. Unplug the phone and don't eat anything while reading. The author is not responsible for monitors or keyboards which get damaged while reading this fan-fic. Hiccups may be cured by drinking a glass of water from the wrong side, or taking one lesbian and calling me in the morning.  
  
------------------------  
  
Kerry limped up to Abby and said, "I heard that you'd decided not to go back to med school. Is it true?"  
  
Abby nodded. "Yeah, I realized that I'm satisfied being a nurse...it's good enough for me," she added. Luka who was standing nearby rolled his eyes in disgust.  
  
Kerry nodded approvingly. "In that case, I spoke to the nursing supervisor. You're starting back on OB from today."  
  
Abby stared at her open-mouthed, "What? Why can't I stay in the ER?"  
  
"Oh really Abby, you know the only reason I put up with you down here was because I thought it was going to help with your medical training. Now of course, there's no reason for it."   
  
Raising her voice, Kerry called, "Security."   
  
"Could you remove this woman, please? She no longer works here."  
  
Abby's jaw dropped as the guard took her by the arm and said, "Come along Ma'am."  
  
"Luka," she yelped. "Do something."  
  
Luka shrugged, "Sorry Abby, but this is none of *my* business."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Carter pulled off his gloves and smirked at Luka. "As you can see *Dr.* Kovac," he said. "Yet again, I have pulled off a miraculous save in the ER. If it wasn't for *my* amazing abilities, that woman would have died before she reached the OR. Sometimes I even astonish myself."  
  
Luka stormed into the lounge and yelled, "Where the hell do we keep the butcher knives around here?"  
  
-----------------------  
  
"For the last time," yelled Luka. "I am from *Croatia*...not Transylvania. We have absolutely nothing to do with vampires...even supposing they existed. So I do not want to hear any more comments about 'sharp teeth and wooden stakes'. Have I made myself clear?"  
  
Randi shrugged. "Pity," she said in a seductive voice, as she leaned forward on the admit desk, showing off how low-cut her top was. "Because I've always had a 'thing' for the dark and mysterious..."  
  
Luka stared at her open-mouthed for a few seconds before leaning forward and whispering in her ear. "I vant to suck your blood."  
  
------------------------  
  
Shirley took a handful of popcorn from Dave's bag.  
  
"So he hasn't been able to speak for a couple of weeks now?" asked Dave.  
  
Shirley shook her head. "Ever since the day we had all those shooting victims. Psych said it was some sort of psychosomatic problem...they think the shock of something made him lose his voice."  
  
"Anyone got any idea why?"  
  
Shirley shrugged. "I don't know and I don't care. I'm just glad not to have him ordering me about for once."  
  
"I thought he was gonna write everything down," said Dave, in a puzzled voice as he took a handful of popcorn.  
  
"He tried...but you know how illegible doctors handwriting is...nobody could decipher it. So now he's trying sign language and charades."   
  
Dave looked down the corridor to where Romano was stamping his foot in frustration. "Doesn't seem to be working."  
  
----------------------   
  
Elizabeth was in Kim Legaspi's office, pacing back and forth nervously. "I'm really worried about Mark," she said. "He seems to be suffering from...aberrant behavior."   
  
"What sort of aberrant behavior?" asked Kim. "Has he been aphasic? Losing his temper?"  
  
Elizabeth shook her head. "It's worse than that...did you see that teenage girl in the waiting room with us?"  
  
Kim nodded.   
  
"Well, she turned up on our doorstep saying she was Mark's daughter...and he welcomed her into our house."  
  
"I don't see the problem," said Kim, frowning.  
  
"The problem is, I've met Mark's daughter...and this person looks nothing like her."  
  
------------------------  
  
Mark stood in the center of the ER and screamed. "I can't live with the guilt anymore...I deliberately let Derek Fossen die!"  
  
Everybody ignored him.   
  
Mark yelled again, "Doesn't anybody care that I'm a cold-blooded murderer?"  
  
Dave patted him on the shoulder and said, "Dude, that was three months ago...nobody gives a damn anymore."  
  
-------------------------  
  
"So Romano was pissed at you manipulating him into co-signing the consent form for the patient who didn't want treatment?" Carter asked Benton.  
  
"Carter, I've been transferred to the proctology department...what do you think?"   
  
-------------------------  
  
"I'm telling you Kerry...I spoke to Susan Lewis...she's coming back to County," said Mark excitedly.  
  
"Sure she is, Mark," said Kerry reassuringly. "I believe you."   
  
Leaving the room, she headed for the lounge where Elizabeth was half-asleep with Ella in her arms.  
  
Kerry said, "I'm afraid he's started suffering from delusions. Do we have your consent to commit him?"  
  
Elizabeth looked at her blearily and shifted Ella from one shoulder to the other.   
"Do I have to get up off this couch?" she asked, her voice filled with exhaustion.   
  
Kerry shook her head; "Just sign this form...it gives us permission to keep him in restraints...use mind-altering drugs and possibly E.C.T. on him."  
  
Elizabeth scrawled her signature on the form. "There you go... *now* can I go back to sleep?"  
  
"Of course," said Kerry, smiling sweetly.  
  
------------------   
  
Kerry stormed up to admit. "Where the hell is Randi?" she asked.   
  
"Um, I think she and Dr. Kovac went on a break," stammered Yosh.  
  
"Yeah...in the supply closet," muttered Amira, jealously.  
  
"Oh for goodness sakes," said Kerry, limping away.   
  
Knocking on the closed door, Kerry shouted. "Randi? I don't care what you're doing in there...but don't tire out Luka...he's supposed to be doing a double shift, and I don't want him collapsing with exhaustion."  
  
----------------------------  
  
"I think this Chief Resident position has gone to your head Jing-Mei," said Dave.  
  
"Just shut up and keep painting my toe-nails."   
  
--------------------  
  
THE END  
  
  



	9. Oh no! It's more snippets

Oh no! It's more snippets.  
  
This bunch are spread all over season's 6 and 7.  
Usual warnings apply...move all pets, partners and offspring to a safe location. Unplug the phone and don't eat anything while reading. The author is not responsible for monitors or keyboards which get damaged while reading this fan-fic. Hiccups may be cured by drinking a glass of water from the wrong side, or taking one lesbian and calling me in the morning.  
  
  
----------------------  
  
(Be still my heart) Dave and Jing-Mei are arguing over the treatment of Dr. Hudson.  
  
"Do you know why I only have one child?" asked Mark rhetorically.   
  
"Um, because you're sub fertile?" said Dave.  
  
"Because you're impotent?" suggested Jing-Mei.  
  
"No," snapped Mark, but the pair continued talking.  
  
"Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know," said Dave. "Because your wife dumped you."  
  
--------------------  
  
Luka was trying to resuscitate a patient when Dave walked in.  
  
"Whoa, she's dead," he commented.  
  
"No she isn't," snapped Luka. "I can still save her."  
  
"Um, dude, you've been in here working on her for like a week now..."   
  
Luka glared at Dave, "So?"  
  
---------------------  
  
"Um, cause Jen wanted to concentrate on *her* career?" said Dave.  
  
"No, it's because he can't see a thing without his glasses," contributed Jing-Mei. "Rachel was just a lucky shot in the dark."  
  
----------------------  
  
"In spite of all your messing around with my application form," said Abby patronizingly, "I've decided that I *am* going to go back to Med School. I just want you to know that it's my own decision...I'm not doing this because I feel that nursing isn't good enough for me anymore...I'm not doing it because you or anyone else feels I should. I'm doing it for me...just me."  
  
Luka just stood there looking at her.  
  
"Aren't you going to say anything?" asked Abby.  
  
He shrugged and said, "Not much I can say...except I heard the admissions department leave a message on your answering machine while you were changing. Apparently too many students have applied, and since your application was one of the last received, they're not giving you a place this year."  
  
-------------------  
  
"Randi," yelled Kerry. "Get me the Illinois Department of Professional Regulation on the phone. Dr. Greene is acting strangely again."  
  
"Oh God," moaned Randi. "I'll have to find the phone book, look up the number...dial it...and my nails are still wet."  
  
"Don't worry about your nails...I have it on speed dial...just for emergencies," said Kerry.   
  
--------------------  
  
Dave and Jing-Mei continue to list out various reasons why Mark has only one child, until he runs away screaming.  
  
Then they 'high-five' each other.  
  
"You know, we make a good team," grinned Dave as Mark's screams echoed through the hallway. "What d'you say we..."  
  
"No Malucci, I'm not going out with you."  
  
------------------------  
  
"So what did Dr. Greene do this time?" asked Randi idly as she waited for the phone to be answered. "Did he start calling guys 'she'?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Did he stumble over his words?"  
  
Kerry shook her head. Randi looked at her, slightly puzzled. "So what did he do that was so bad that you need to call these guys in?"  
  
"He agreed with Romano."  
  
Randi paled, "Oh my God...that's serious."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Elizabeth and Chuny are having lunch at Doc Magoo's.   
  
"Does he still have that patch of hair in the middle of his back?" Chuny asked as she bit into her sandwich.  
  
"Oh yes," sighed Elizabeth. "I keep trying to get him to remove it...all it would take is a few short sessions of electrolysis...but he refuses."  
  
"He told me that he was going to wait until it was large enough and then get it transplanted to the top of his head."  
  
"Oh god," groaned Elizabeth. "That'll take decades."  
  
  
-----------------------  
  
Luka sat on the gurney and gingerly probed at an eye that was already starting to swell. "I don't understand why Carol hit me," he said plaintively.   
  
"What did you say to her?" Conni asked as she started dabbing at Luka's face with a damp cloth.  
  
"All I said was that if she was doing the humming exercise properly then she wouldn't need any pain relief while she was in labor. I mean, it's all a question of mind over matter..."  
  
Luka yelped as Conni jammed the ice pack up against his bruised cheek.   
  
---------------------  
  
Peter and Mark are in the car on the way to the wedding.   
  
"This is a bit weird for me," commented Mark. "I mean, what with you dating Elizabeth before me." He's silent for a few minutes before continuing.  
"You don't have a problem with it? I mean, no hard feelings and all that."  
  
Peter continues to drive in silence.  
  
"Um, Peter...we've just passed the church...Peter...why are you turning off into that deserted scrap yard...what are you doing with that scalpel?"  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Carter picked up the phone and dialed Luka's number. "Dr. Kovac," he said. "I just want to say that in spite of all the tension that there's been between us during the past few months, I still have a great deal of respect for you as a doctor."  
  
"Do you really, Carter?" asked Luka in surprise.  
  
"NO!" yelled Carter into the phone before hanging up and laughing himself silly.  
  
Luka slammed the phone down, "Oooooh! I really hate that Dr. Carter."  
  
---------------------  
  
---------------------  
  
Author's notes. You may or may not be pleased to hear that RTE (my local station) seems to be starting a rerun of season 7...which hopefully will provide me with a little more inspiration g  
Oh, and the Luka & Carter scene was partly inspired by a similar scene in the series 'Father Ted'   
  
  



	10. Guess what? I've been snippeting again

  
Title: Guess what? I've been Snippeting again  
Author/pseudonym: ceindreadh  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Keywords: Humor (duh)  
Last episode seen: Rampage  
Last relevant episode: Rampage  
Spoilers: Some scenes were inspired by S8 spoilers.  
  
Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner  
Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story  
was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and  
may be downloaded for your own pleasure.  
  
WARNING - I am not responsible if you choke on your food, spit on your monitor or get hiccups for the rest of the evening.  
  
-----------------------  
  
"John," said Abby. "I couldn't help notice that you seem to be having a little trouble with your back."  
  
"I'm fine Abby," said Carter with a smile.   
  
"DR. GREENE!" yelled Abby, "Carter's denying he has a problem again!"  
  
------------------------  
  
"I know why you don't want to sign the consent order for emergency surgery on Mr. Jeffries," Peter said to Cleo. "It's because of what happened with Carla. I swear to you, she came on to me...I didn't lay a finger on her...the only reason I didn't say anything was cause I didn't want to upset you."  
  
"Peter Peter Peter," said Cleo gently. "The reason I won't co-sign the consent order is because I believe we should respect the patients wishes...whatever our personal feelings on the matter."   
  
Pulling Peter in close to her, she swiftly kneed him in the groin. As he collapsed, groaning, on the floor, she continued in the same even tone, "*that* was for not telling me about Carla."   
  
As Peter gasped out, "Cleo...you're supposed...to be on *my* side..." Cleo stepped over him and said, "Oh save it for your next girlfriend."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Carter, don't lie to us," said Mark sternly. "We know you have a problem...it's time you admitted it."  
  
"I saw you Carter," blurted out Abby. "I saw you wince when you had to lift that patient off the gurney. I'm sorry, but I couldn't just let it go without saying anything. You need help...you need to admit that you have a problem."  
  
"There's a clinic over on the west side that specializes in doctors with back pain...take my van...they're expecting you...we're doing this for your own good."  
  
"You're all crazy...I'm leaving," said Carter, quickly walking out of the room.  
  
----------------------  
  
"Um, Deb?" asked Carter. "Do you know of any good herbalists? I need an alternative treatment for my back pain."  
  
"That's just typical," snapped Jing-Mei. "You assume that because I'm Asian that I know all about acupuncture and herbal remedies and old wives tales and things like that. It's racist and unfair and I'm shocked at you John Carter."  
  
"I...I'm sorry," stammered Carter. "Forget I said anything." He backed away hurriedly and disappeared into the Lounge.  
  
Randi looked up from filing her nails. "Didn't you tell me that your Uncle ran an alternative medicine clinic over on the West side? Why didn't you tell Carter that?"  
  
"Hey, when he remembers my proper name...then I might tell him."  
  
----------------------  
  
"You can save your pathetic apologies Peter," snapped Cleo. "I've been meaning to break up with you for ages now. My friends were right...dating a guy like you was bad for my image."  
  
"Why? Because I'm black? How can you say such a thing?"  
  
"No, they said I should dump you because you're a selfish egotistical bastard, who expects everyone to fall in with *his* plans and who doesn't give a damn about other people's feelings."  
  
"So that's it?"  
  
"No...this is it..."  
  
Grabbing the ice pack from the fridge, she jammed it in Peter's groin. "Here...keep it on ice for your next partner."  
  
---------------------  
  
"Back still troubling you?" Luka asked sympathetically, seeing Carter wince.  
  
Carter looked up in surprise. "Well yes actually. It's probably just a mild sprain...but it's really sore."  
  
"Have you thought of trying acupuncture? I believe Dr. Malucci is quite proficient at it."  
  
"Really? Well he does know a lot about alternative medicines...and at this stage I'm ready to try anything. Thanks for the suggestion Dr. Kovac...I'll see can I find him." Carter quickly left the Lounge.   
  
Chuny looked up from her magazine. "You really hate Carter, don't you?"  
  
Luka smirked. "I can't imagine why you'd think that."  
  
----------------------  
  
"Oh come on Dave," said Carter pleadingly. "I really need some way of easing my back pain...and I'm scared to use any type of drugs."  
  
"I don't know man," said Dave reluctantly. "I mean, it's been a while."  
  
"Please..." said Carter, turning his best 'lost puppy' expression on Dave. Behind him Randi and Amira made faces and gagging sounds.  
  
"Oh...okay...but you gotta promise you won't blame me if it doesn't work, okay?"  
  
"Okay," said Carter with just a trace of smugness. He'd known that nobody could resist the 'Carter charm'...well, apart from Abby, that is...but it was only a matter of time. "I'll just finish up with my patient and then you can get to work." He headed away merrily.  
  
"So Malucci," drawled Randi once Carter was out of earshot. "Want me to start a pool on how many pins you can stick in Carter before he starts screaming?"  
  
"Randi Fronczak, I'm shocked at you," said Dave. "Don't you know that we use needles...not pins?"  
  
-----------------------  
  
"You have done this before?" Carter asked nervously as he lay face down on the gurney.  
  
"Oh sure," said Dave as he peeled open a pack of surgical needles. "On a cadaver," he muttered to himself.  
  
"What was that?"   
  
"I said lie still...this may hurt a bit..."  
  
"Aghhhh!!!!!!!!"  
  
----------------------  
  
Kerry looked at Carter, with an air of puzzlement. "Why is Dr. Carter walking so awkwardly?" she asked Randi.  
  
"Um...he had an acupuncture session with Malucci," said Randi, popping her gum audibly. "Got a whole bunch of needles stuck in him."  
  
"Oh...let me guess...Dr. Malucci hasn't a clue about acupuncture and Carter was left in more pain than ever?"  
  
"Oh no...turns out Dave actually did a full semester on alternative medicine...he sorted Carter's back pain out, no problem...he even got him to give up smoking."  
  
"So what happened?"  
  
"Well, he put in 50 needles...but he only took out 49...and Carter didn't notice until he pulled his pants back on."   
  
"Ouch."  
  
"You're telling me...word is they could hear his screams all the way up on the psych ward."  
  
---------------------------  
  
ceindreadh  
  
  



	11. Snipp this!!!

Snipp this!!!  
  
WARNING...THIS FIC CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR SEASON 8...AND SPOILERS FOR SPOILERS FOR SEASON 8.   
  
PUT DOWN YOUR DRINK AND MOVE ALL FOODSTUFF'S AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD. IF YOU HAVE A SCREENGUARD OR KEYBOARD PROTECTOR PLEASE ATTACH THEM NOW  
  
THE AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE CAUSED BY EXCESSIVE LAUGHTER. IF YOU GET HICCUPS...TOUGH. G  
  
ENJOY  
  
-------------------------  
  
"For the last time, I don't care how much money you offer me, I'm *not* going back to work at County."  
  
Doug slammed down the phone and rolled over in the bed.   
  
"Who was that?" Carol asked sleepily.  
  
"Who do you think," said Doug in annoyance. "When will these people learn...I've left Chicago *and* County General for good. There's no way in hell I'm setting foot in the place again."  
  
----------------------------   
  
"Malucci," snapped Mark. "Why aren't you seeing patients?"  
  
Dave opened his mouth and said, "...."  
  
Puzzled, Mark looked at Randi. "Why isn't Dave saying anything?"  
  
Randi didn't look up from her magazine as she answered, "Cause he's already had his two line quota for this chapter...he *can't* say anything."  
  
"But I haven't heard him say anything at all."  
  
"Yeah...we were overrunning, so his scenes got cut."  
  
Mark nodded, then jumped in surprise. "Hey, where'd he disappear to?"  
  
"Must have run out of screen time as well."  
  
---------------------------  
  
"This is for you Doctor Carter," said Luka formally as he handed him an envelope.  
  
Carter looked at it suspiciously before opening it. He frowned as he read the contents. "But this is a bill for the replacement of your fish tank?"  
  
"Yes Carter," said Luka patiently. "As you can see, I have included the price of replacing the dead fish, together with the clean up costs for my floor. I've also added in the cost of little fishy oxygen tanks...in case of future emergencies."  
  
"But why are you giving it to me?" wailed Carter. "Abby was the one who broke it."  
  
Luka shrugged. "Well I knew that she would get you to pay it...so I figured I'd save time by giving it to you directly."  
  
---------------------  
  
Kerry triumphantly flung open the door to exam one. "Malucci, you're fired," she yelled at the scrub clad form who was clearly in the middle of an 'intimate' examination of the woman on the gurney.  
  
"Kerry," said Peter, patiently, "Do you mind?"  
  
"Yeah, why don't you knock next time," muttered Cleo, as she hurriedly pulled her lab coat closed.  
  
"Shit, I heard that Malucci was planning an assignation. Sorry Peter, Cleo," said Kerry as she backed away hurriedly.   
  
--------------------  
  
"Yeah," said Doug, rolling over and pulling the covers around him. "I don't care if they're offering me fifty million dollars...I'm not going back..."   
  
He yelped as Carol thumped him with her pillow, yelling, "You turned down fifty million dollars? You moron, don't you know we've got kids to feed?"  
  
-------------------------  
  
"You're a selfish cow, who doesn't care how many people she hurts," yelled Luka in the hall at County.  
  
"Look who's talking about hurting people," snapped back Abby. "How many patients have you killed today *Doctor* Kovac?"  
  
"At least I had the nerve to finish med school. I didn't chicken out halfway through."  
  
"And I'm sure your patients are *most* grateful...or at least their relatives are."   
  
"Yeah, just like the mother of that baby that you *lost* was so grateful to you. Oh, you remember when I told you it wasn't your fault? Well I lied...it *so* was your fault."  
  
"And it was your fault that mugger died...here's a tip Luka...you only need to smash someone's head into the pavement once or twice before they lose consciousness."  
  
"That didn't seem to bother you when you came to my hotel room. If anything, it seemed to make you more eager."  
  
"Yeah? Well I was faking it...in fact I faked *all* my orgasms."  
  
Luka shrugged indifferently. "Big deal...so did I."  
  
"Bastard!"  
  
"Bitch!" Luka suddenly stopped and looked at Abby. "My god...you're beautiful when you're angry."  
  
"Oh Luka...so are you..."  
  
"Abby!"  
  
"Luka!"  
  
As the rest of the ER watched in disgust, they flung their arms around each other and started sucking face.  
  
----------------------  
  
"Malucci!" yelled Kerry as she flung open the door to the supply room. "You're...you're not Malucci," she said, to a very embarrassed looking Mark, who quickly pulled his shirt back on.   
  
"I should certainly hope not," snapped Elizabeth as she hastily buttoned up her blouse. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking?"  
  
"Haven't you ever heard of locks?" snapped Kerry. Slamming the door behind her, she hurried away. God, she was going to need to wash her eyes out to get rid of the image of a shirtless Mark. Think of Kerosene, think of Kerosene, she told herself, shuddering.   
  
  
---------------------------  
  
"I don't believe this," moaned Malik.   
  
"Believe it," said Dave, grinning. "Abby and Kovac are back together, I told you it would happen...now pay up."  
  
Grumbling, Malik rummaged in his pocket and handed Dave a twenty.   
  
"Hey, don't worry," said Dave, grinning as he pocketed the cash. "You'll soon have a chance to win it back...I hear that Chuny's already got a pool going on when they'll break up again."  
  
---------------------------  
  
Elizabeth walked up to Mark and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.  
  
"What was that for?" asked Mark. "I mean, not that I'm complaining..."  
  
"It's just my way of saying sorry for being such a bitch earlier when you told me that Rachel was going to be staying with us for a while. I overreacted...I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay honey," said Mark patronizingly. "But you understand, I had to let her stay. I mean, she *is* family. I couldn't just turn her down."  
  
"I understand perfectly," said Elizabeth sweetly. "And I know how important it is to keep up good relations with our family's. That's why my mother's coming to stay for the next few months."   
  
Patting him gently on the arm, she walked away. A smile flickered over her face as she heard Mark's scream.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
---------------------------  
  
Kerry wearily threw open yet another door. Yet another couple were making out...but yet again Malucci wasn't one of them.   
  
"Um, hello Dr. Weaver," said Abby, trying to ignore the fact that Luka's hand was somewhere under her scrub top. "Care to get Carter and join us?"  
  
"We're not in *that* fic," snapped Kerry, slamming the door behind her.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Haleh was watching as Kerry opened another door. She smirked as she heard Kerry's indignant yelp, "Mr. Whiskers!"  
  
---------------------------  
  
Dave's 'partner' looked around nervously. "I don't know, Malucci," she said. "Doing it in the Chief of the ER's office...that's gotta be kind of risky."  
  
Dave shrugged as he rummaged through his pockets looking for a condom. "Not really...hell, I don't think Weaver even knows this place exists...nobody's ever seen her use it. Besides, thanks to that rumor I had Malik spread, she's too busy running round the ER looking for me."  
  
"Oh...that's okay then," said Cein grabbing Dave and sticking her tongue down his throat  
  
  
---------------------------  
  
Notes  
Thanks to Doc Sharon for the first mention of 'little fishy oxygen tanks'.  
  
'*that* fic' is of course 'The Eternal Quadrangle' by Cathy and Scotty. And no, I have no intention of ever writing *that* Quadrangle...now a Carter/Dave/Luka/Cein quadrangle does have a certain appeal ;-)  
  



	12. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Snipp I go!!

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Snipp I go!  
  
WARNING - The author of this fic disavows any and all responsibility for damage to monitors, keyboards, mice, pets, offspring, partners etc, caused by peoples reactions to this fic. If you don't have enough sense by now to move all foodstuffs and liquids to a safe distance *before* reading this fic, then there's no hope for you   
  
Enjoy.  
There's one spoiler for episode 10, but by the time this hits the servers most of you guys should have seen it (and unless you've been hiding under a rock, you're probably well aware of it anyway).   
  
-------------------------  
  
Mark and Kerry are standing in front of a blackboard with chalk in their hands.  
  
"I really don't think this is necessary," protested Mark.   
  
"Not that I normally agree with him," said Kerry. "But in this instance I have to. I mean, what good will it do us to write out 500 times 'I will not treat an OB case unless there is no other doctor for 1000 miles'."  
  
"Because then maybe I won't have to put my foot through the TV when you make more mistakes than a second year med-student," snapped Doc Sharon. "Now start writing."  
  
"But..." started Mark.  
  
"No buts. I am the Queen ER moron, so start writing."  
  
-------------------------  
  
Carol screams her way through another labor pain.   
  
Doug wipes the sweat from her brow and asks gently, "Is there anything I can do?"  
  
Carol nods weakly, "You can phone Mark and tell him thanks for nothing...bastard...how dare he make them save my uterus."  
  
---------------------------  
  
Carter looked at the note in his hand. "Darling, meet me up on the roof at exactly midnight. Love Susan." Pushing open the door, he stepped out onto the roof.  
  
"Um, Susan? Where are you?" he called.  
  
The door slammed shut behind him and he heard a voice say, "I'm right here, darling."  
  
Turning around he was surprised to see a young woman with dark blonde hair and greenish blue eyes. The light from the moon glinted off the three piercings, clearly visible in each ear.  
  
"Um, you're not Susan Lewis," said Carter.  
  
"Damn right I'm not," replied the woman. "I'm much better for you than *her*." She slowly moved forward and put her arms round Carter, pulling him into a tight embrace.  
  
Carter resisted only slightly, saying, "But what happens if Dr. Lewis catches us? She can be pretty mean."  
  
Susan pulled away slightly. "I am Susan, the head of Carterholic's Anonymous, and I can kick her ass."  
  
"Oh, okay then," said Carter, kissing her.  
  
-----------------------  
  
"You can't get into the ambulance," yelled Sandy. "It's too dangerous."  
  
"There's a pregnant woman in there," snapped Kerry. "Of course I'm getting in."  
  
"Just wait..." Before the words were out of her mouth, Kerry had taken a short run and used her crutch to vault into the vehicle. There was a brief flash of electricity.  
  
"Oh dammit," swore Sandy. "That's the third doctor that's got fried. Why the hell won't these people listen to me? I mean, do I walk into their ER and ignore *their* warnings?"  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Um, Mark?" said Luka. "Why are you putting that little motor inside that turkey?"  
  
"It's to help Elizabeth out at Thanksgiving," said Mark. "See, she's always saying that she can carve the turkey better than me because she's such a good surgeon, but last year it looked like it had been through a shredder."  
  
"And having the motor inside it will help, how?"   
  
Mark beamed proudly. "Well, I figure that it's awkward for her because the turkey's dead."  
  
"Or at least it should be," commented Luka.  
  
"And she's not used to working on dead things."  
  
"She should be, what with the increased mortality rate of her patients," muttered Luka.   
  
Mark glared at him, "You'd know all about *that* wouldn't you?" He held Luka's gaze for a few seconds before remembering what had happened to the last bald man that had pissed off the Croatian. Swallowing hard, he continued, "Anyway, with this remote control, I can make the turkey look as if it's breathing and Elizabeth will do a great job on it. I figure that after a gesture like that I'm bound to get some major action from her."  
  
"Oh I'm sure you will," said Luka, trying to keep a straight face. "I'm sure you will."  
  
--------------------------  
  
Kim (not Legaspi) sat on the steps looking miserable.   
  
"I'm really sorry Kim," said Cein. "But if I'd signed your name to the end of the note, Carter would have handed it over to Kerry."  
  
Kim muttered something under her breath.  
  
"Hey!" said Cein, indignantly. "We'll have none of that now. Be good or I won't write you into the next chapter of Road Trip."  
  
--------------------------  
  
Chuny listened intently to the radio as Zadro filled her in on the incoming patient.   
  
"So you say Dr. Corday took the turkey and stuck it where?"  
  
-------------------------  
  
Elizabeth hurried down the corridor until she had caught up with Peter. "I'm so glad I caught you," she said with a smile. "I'd have hated for you to leave without saying goodbye."  
  
Peter smiled at her, "Don't you mean 'au revoir'? Or have you forgotten the Plan?"  
  
Elizabeth punched him playfully on the arm. "As if. You marry Cleo, get full custody of Reese, then a few months later she'll have a 'sudden car accident'."  
  
"And in the meantime you'll be replacing Mark's chemotherapy wafers one by one with 'wafer thin mints'. His head should explode in a few months time."  
  
"And after a short period of mourning for both of us, it'll be only natural for two bereaved former colleagues to find consolation with each other," added Elizabeth, an evil gleam in her eye, as she kissed Peter quickly. "Mmm, you're so much better than Mark."  
  
-------------------------  
  
Mark was lying face down on the gurney as it was wheeled into Trauma one.  
  
"What took you guys so long?" asked Chuny. "You called it in over half an hour ago."  
  
Zadro shrugged. "Dr. Greene insisted we stop along the way to get more batteries for the remote."  
  
--------------------------  
  
Carter staggered exhaustedly down the stairs to the ER.   
  
"Yo Carter, where've you been?" asked Dave, grinning as he looked at the other resident.   
  
"Rooftop...Susan..." was all Carter was able to gasp.   
  
Dave nodded knowingly. "Well, you might want to go and put your clothes on the right way round. Otherwise people will know *exactly* what you've been doing."  
  
"Thanks Malucci," said Carter, lurching off.  
  
"Of course, they'll know for sure once I *tell* them," smirked Dave, once Carter was out of earshot.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Thanks to Hunter Rose for the Mark/uterus idea   
Susan on the rooftop, is of course lilichild@aol.com, the head of Carterholic's Anonymous http://www.geocities.com/er/carterholic  
Kim is of course Keg41182@aol.com, second only to Susan in terms of her Carterholic addiction.  
Thanks also to Doc Sharon for allowing me to drag her into the fic as well. 


	13. Where Eagles Snipp

Where Eagles Snip  
(no it's got nothing to do with the fic, but I was running out of ideas, okay?)  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING  
  
I am NOT responsible for people spewing drinks/choking on food/laughing themselves silly/hiccupping madly/gasping for breath etc.  
If you choose to indulge in food or drink while reading this fic, it's at your own risk. Don't blame me or sue me.  
  
This fic contains spoilers for season 8, but only as far as episodes screened in the USA.  
  
--------------------  
  
Carter was blushing furiously as he whispered to Randi. "Um, Randi...I don't know how to say this...but your um, left..." he lowered his voice even more, "breast. It's um, rather 'exposed'."  
  
Randi looked down at herself and swore as she pulled her top back up. "Damn, Malucci. He *never* puts anything away when he's finished using it."  
  
----------------------  
  
The policeman looked down at the squashed body. "So what was Nurse Lockhart doing just before it happened?"  
  
"Well, she'd just treated a woman who'd been trying for months to get pregnant," said Mark.   
  
"Before that, she was treating a woman who'd been depressed after having an abortion," added Chuny.  
  
"I thought she was in with that comatose woman who was going into labor?" said Carter.  
  
"No, no, no, that was *before* the depression but *after* the alcoholic who just fell off the wagon," said Malik.  
  
"So when did she see the woman who had too many children?" asked Mark.  
  
"I think that was after she temporarily lost that baby she was supposed to be looking after," said Chuny. "She'd just finished the chart on the surrogate mother and then..."  
  
They all looked sadly at Abby. "And then that anvil just came flying out of nowhere?" asked the policeman.  
  
They all nodded. "We told her to watch out for them," said Mark, "But she just wouldn't listen."  
  
----------------------------  
  
"I can't believe that Weaver's gay," said Chuny. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it...but man, that came out of nowhere."  
  
"What I can't believe is that none of us knew it," said Haleh, a gloomy look on her face.  
  
"You realize that we can't let anyone find out," said Lydia. The other nurses looked at her.  
  
"Um, Lopez kissed her in front of the admit desk," said Chuny. "Hell, the whole hospital knows it by now."  
  
Lydia shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I mean, we can absolutely positively not let it be known that we hadn't a clue about this beforehand. I mean, if people realized that *we* the ER nurses, hadn't known a juicy little secret like this, think of what it would do to our reputation as gossips."  
  
---------------------  
  
"You stay away from Carter," snapped Susan. "He's *mine*."  
  
"No he's not," yelled Abby. "John and *I* are going to be together forever, you'll see."  
  
Susan sniffed disdainfully, "He'll never look at you if you can't even call him by the name he *likes* to be called."  
  
(all the Jinter's burst into tears)  
  
"Well, I can list more than 700 reasons why he and I are meant to be."  
  
"Oh please," said Susan, rolling her eyes. "It doesn't matter *how* many reasons you list...the most important one is still missing."  
  
"Which is?"   
  
"You're not blonde, and *I* am."  
  
Abby screamed and jumped on Susan, knocking her to the floor.  
  
------------------------  
  
Frank said, "Well I'm not surprised that she's gay. Hell, practically every place I've worked, there's been gay women."  
  
"Hmm," said Luka. "And let me guess, you only found out they were gay when you asked them out?"  
  
"Hey, that's right," said Frank, in amazement. "How did you know?"  
  
"Lucky guess," said Luka, trying to hide a smirk.  
  
------------------------  
  
Mark looked at the board and blinked in surprise. "Uh, Randi...what's this doing stuck up on the notice board? And more importantly, who sent it?"  
  
Randi blew a bubble with her gum before replying. "We got a fax from Malucci addressed to Weaver. Said he'd got a great new job - no thanks to her - and he just wanted to send her something to remind her of him."  
  
"So he sent her a photocopy of his butt?"  
  
Randi nodded. "Yep."  
  
"Well, maybe you should take it down...I mean, what if Dr. Romano sees it?"  
  
Randi smirked, "*He's* the one who told me to enlarge it."  
  
"Ah...well that explains everything," said Mark. "Except for the lipstick marks on it."  
For the first time in his life, Mark saw Randi blush.  
  
------------------------  
  
Sobriki's lawyer "So, Dr. Lewis, your patient had a head injury, a loss of consciousness, and you *still* transferred him to another hospital, even though you hadn't stabilized him or ruled out the possibility of an intercranial bleed?"  
  
Susan "Um, yes."  
  
Lawyer "Why?"  
  
Susan "Because I care so much about my boyfriend, that I just *had* to get that person out of the ER. It didn't matter that I hadn't got the test results. It didn't matter that I had accepted care of a patient and I was bound by my Hippocratic Oath to treat him to the best of my abilities. It didn't matter that he was medicated and mentally stable. All that mattered was getting him out of the ER, in case he'd snap again."  
  
Lawyer. "Oh, well when you put it *that* way, of course we won't be slapping this multi-million dollar lawsuit on you."  
  
Susan "Oh you might as well, my boyfriend's rich, I'm sure he'll take care of it."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Mark," called Kerry, "We have a major staffing crisis. Half the nurses have handed in their notice."  
  
"It's not just in the ER," said Mark. "Elizabeth told me that Kit and most of the scrub nurses are leaving as well. Apparently they've all got these amazing new jobs."  
  
"But where?" asked Kerry. "There's not another hospital in Chicago that needs that many nurses. Or doctors for that matter. A few of them want to leave as well."  
  
"Elizabeth gave me this," said Mark, holding out a piece of paper. "Apparently this new factory has opened up and they're taking on staff."  
  
"Nurses and doctors working in a factory? What on earth are they making?"  
  
(Quick flash to a set of offices where Cein and Fat Cat are interviewing staff. The line of potential interviewees - mainly women, but a few men are there - stretches all the way out the door and halfway around the block)  
  
"So," says Cein, "You're applying for the job as tester of our life size inflatable Dave dolls. You *do* know that they are *extremely* life like?"   
  
The grin on Kelley's face grows even larger as she replies, "I certainly hope so!"  
  
---------------------------  
  
"Malik," ordered Kerry, "Throw a bucket of water over those two." She indicated Susan and Abby, who were still trying to rip each other's hair out.  
  
"With pleasure," grinned Malik.   
  
When the two dripping women had finally broken apart, Kerry stood over them. "You do realize that it's a waste of time fighting over Dr. Carter?" she said.  
  
"Is not," muttered Abby.   
  
"Yeah," muttered Susan, "He's gotta choose *someone* from the ER...and you're gay, Chen doesn't know whether she's here or not, Corday's married, Kovac is in Bosnia, Mark is a wuss...it *has* to be one of us."  
  
"Hmm, I think you should both take a quick look in Exam 1...I believe Dr. Carter disappeared in there with his 'true love' half an hour ago."  
  
Abby and Susan looked at each other and then made a mad dash for exam 1.   
  
Abby got there first and flung open the door. "Oh dear God, John, you cannot be serious."  
  
Susan's jaw dropped as she stared over Abby's shoulder. "Dr. Romano?"  
  
-----------------------  
  
"I don't know," said Cein, frowning as she looked at the prototype inflatable doll. "I'm not sure if we've got it *quite* exact."   
  
"I think we need to take a few more measurements," said Fat Cat. "Dave, would you mind taking your clothes off."  
  
"Again?" asked Dave. Shrugging, he said, "Sure, no problem." He pulled off his clothes. "Just one thing ladies, wouldn't you get a more accurate result if you used a tape measure? I mean, I thought 'hands' were only used to measure horses?"  
  
"I think he means Stallions," muttered Fat Cat.   
  
"Of the Italian variety," added Cein.   
  
--------------------------- 


	14. Virtual Snippets

When I was a kid, my mother always told me that if I didn't take proper care  
  
of my belongings, then she'd give them to someone else who would.  On that  
  
grounds, then I probably *do* own most of the characters on the show.  
  
But just in case TPTB don't see it that way....  
  
DISCLAMER: "ER," the characters and situations depicted within are the  
  
property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant  
  
c Productions, NBC, etc blah blah blah  
  
Apologies for any medical inaccuracies (I'm not a doctor)  
  
Apologies for any cultural inaccuracies (I'm not American)  
  
No apologies for spelling or grammar (that's Bill Gates fault cause I used  
  
his spell-checker)  
  
And by this stage you should know better than to be eating or drinking while  
  
reading these  
  
g  
  
-----------------------  
  
Contains spoilers for Season 8, up to and including 'Secret's and Lies'  
  
Rated PG-15...or whatever 'S&L' was rated.  
  
VIRTUAL SNIPPETS  
  
--------------------  
  
"I really don't understand why I have to do this," said Luka, frowning.  
  
"I'm sorry about it, but my hands are tied," replied Detective Adams. "A complaint was filed against you, which means we have to look into it thoroughly."  
  
"Oh, I quite understand why you're interviewing me," said Luka. "I just don't understand why it was necessary for me to remove my clothing." He looked at the female detective.  
  
"Um, it's a new concept that the forensic scientists thought up. They believe that it's easier to tell whether someone is telling the truth."  
  
Luka raised an eyebrow. "So that would also explain the video camera?"  
  
Adams nodded.  
  
"And the observers?" asked Luka, indicating the gaggle of women that had crowded into the room with them.  
  
"Well, we have to train the rookies *somehow*."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"Yo Dave, whatcha doing with that sledgehammer?" asked Malik.  
  
"Well, I heard that everyone was getting pissed off with triangles, so I thought I'd get back in the Chief's good books by going round and smashing any that I could find," replied Dave.  
  
"Can I help?" asked Malik, eagerly.  
  
"Sure…you can use the fire axe."  
  
"YES!!" shouted Malik triumphantly.  
  
--------------------  
  
Luka sat disconsolately in the Lounge. "I cannot believe that Carter told Abby that he loved her…"  
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean honey," said Haleh, patting his hand gently. "None of us nurses saw it coming either."  
  
Luka snorted in disgust. "Hah, that's not what I'm talking about…I just didn't think he had the balls."  
  
----------------------  
  
Kerry limped up to Mark and asked, "Mark, do you approve of euthanasia?"  
  
"Well, I have to admit that in the cases of the terminally ill, sometimes there comes a time when it's a blessing," replied Mark.  
  
"Oh good," said Kerry, smiling sweetly. "Then hold out your arm…I've got a shot of something that will do us…er I mean, do *you* the world of good."  
  
----------------------- --  
  
Dave listened as Abby started screaming into the phone. "Hey," he said to Randi. "What's up with her?"  
  
Randi grinned. "She just found out that her local herbalist is all out of the love potion she was using on Carter and Kovac."  
  
"She used a love potion?"  
  
Randi nodded. "Yep, slipped it into their morning coffee."  
  
"Man," said Dave. "I knew there had to be drugs involved. How else would she have the two hottest guys in the place chasing after her."  
  
Oblivious to the conversation going on behind her, Abby yelled down the phone line. "What do you mean, you don't think you'll be able to get any more for a month? What am I supposed to do until then?" She was silent for a few seconds listening to the response. "If that's the best advice you can come up with, I'll find another supplier. Slamming down the phone, she muttered to herself "Asshole…I wouldn't have been using his potion in the first place if I had a 'cheery disposition and kind manner'."  
  
---------------------------  
  
"Poor Dr. Corday," said Shirley to Kit as they watched her walk down the corridor.  
  
"Yeah," replied Kit. "It must be terrible knowing that your husband's going to die slowly and painfully."  
  
"Oh I didn't mean that. Apparently she found out yesterday that Dr. Greene is the one in a million of brain tumor patients that have full mental and speech facilities up until their dying breath."  
  
"You don't mean…" asked Kit, a horrified expression on her face.  
  
"I'm afraid so…there's going to be one hell of a long and drawn out death scene."  
  
"Jesus…no wonder she's been acting so cranky."  
  
"Nah, she was like that long before the tumor."  
  
-------------------------  
  
"So Dr. Chen," said the Lawyer from Risk Management. "Let me summarize the facts of *this* incident." He took a deep breath before continuing, "You ordered the wrong tests, didn't look at the x-rays, took five tries before getting an I.V. in, put the chest tube in the wrong place and left your watch behind after performing an internal exam." He looked up from his notes. "Have you got *anything* to say in your defense?"  
  
"Well, Dr. Weaver didn't answer her page, so it's all *her* fault," said Chen.  
  
"That's because I was at a conference in New York," snapped Kerry.  
  
Chen shrugged "So what, I still paged you…it's not my fault that you didn't answer them."  
  
-----------------------  
  
"So the patient asked if she could have a termination without informing her husband," said Carter to Kerry as they were both standing beside the admit desk.  
  
"And you told her that it was solely her decision?" asked Kerry.  
  
"Yes," replied Carter. "After all, it is *her* body."  
  
They stood there in silence for a few minutes before Kerry turned to Frank. "Um, Frank…don't you have anything to say on this?"  
  
"Why would I have something to say?" asked Frank, looking slightly puzzled.  
  
"Well, we've just been discussing a potentially controversial topic…that's your cue to jump in and spout the extreme right wing conservative point of view," said Kerry.  
  
"Yeah," added Carter. "The point of view that we have to have so that we can't be accused of bias, but that we get someone like you to express so that nobody will take that side seriously."  
  
Frank shook his head, "Not this time…personally I believe in a woman's right to choose."  
  
Kerry looked at Carter blankly. "Shit…what are we going to do now? We can't just present one side of an issue…but we need to have the unpopular side presented by someone who nobody likes."  
  
"Well, everybody hates *you*."  
  
"Yes, but I've already been portrayed as being very liberal…hell, I'm even gay, so it can't be me…I mean, that would involve a complete rewriting of my history at County General."  
  
"Oh right," said Carter. "And there's no way *that* sort of sloppy writing would ever happen."  
  
----------------------  
  
The nurses watched intently as Luka and Carter traded punches. There was a lot of money riding on the outcome of the fight.  
  
"Man, they're really going at it," commented Abby who had just joined the group. "But shouldn't we break it up or something? I mean they could get hurt."  
  
"Hey, there's nothing to worry about," replied Chuny. "I mean there's plenty of doctors around to patch them up. Besides, you should let them finish…after all, it is *you* that they're fighting over."  
  
"It is?" asked Abby, a smile crossing her face. "Oh wow, two guys fighting over which of them gets to be with me…that's so romantic."  
  
"Um, not exactly," said Chuny, trying unsuccessfully to hide a grin.  
  
Luka punched Carter in the face sending him staggering backwards. "I already told you, dammit. Take her…*I* don't want her."  
  
Carter screamed in frustration as he tackled Luka roughly. "NO NO NO! She's even more miserable than Mark. I don't want her."  
  
---------------------  
  
Kerry waved the dildo around as she paced up and down the room.  
  
"Do you know what the worst thing about this is?" she screamed as the staff members who were lined up shame-faced in front of her.  
  
"Um, because it's a slur on your sexuality?" asked Luka.  
  
"No…but that's bad enough."  
  
"Because it's a patients personal property and we shouldn't have been messing around with it?" volunteered Gallant.  
  
"Because by breaking into the locker someone invaded your privacy?" suggested Susan.  
  
Carter just made goo-goo eyes at Abby who was wishing she could sneak out and grab a cigarette.  
  
"No, no, no…the absolute worst thing about this whole sorry incident, is that I loathe and despise that shade of purple," said Kerry tossing the dildo on the table.  
  
------------------------ 


	15. Snippets in the sky

Snippets in the sky (well what else did you think I could call it g)  
  
Hard to believe that this is the fifteenth installment.  
  
For those of you who weren't paying attention, previous chapters were, Christmas 1, Christmas 2, Valentines, Yet more snippets, April Snippets, Sailing Snippets, Even more snippets,  Snipp a dee doo dah, Oh no, it's more snippets, Guess what? I've been snippetting again, Snipp this!, Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to snipp I go!, Where Eagles Snipp, Virtual Snippets  
  
And the warnings once again.  
  
No food, no drink, no fragile objects should be kept nearby.  
  
Anyone else in the vicinity should be given earplugs, or better yet, let them read it as well.  
  
Sucking on a slice of lemon should wipe the smile off your face if you're reading this at work, and if you *are* reading it at work, you should be ashamed of yourself ;-)  
  
There's spoilers up to and including 'Orion in the Sky'. Anything else is just my sick and twisted mind at work, with maybe a bit of wishful thinking thrown in g  
  
Enjoy!  
  
-------------------------  
  
Mark held up the basketballs and looked at them. "No wonder I'm getting nowhere. My ball's aren't firm enough…perhaps they need to be inflated."  
  
He and Carter looked around them expectantly, but nothing happened.  
  
Mark cleared his throat and said again, in a slightly louder tone, "My balls are way too soft…maybe they need inflating?"  
  
The two men waited, but still nothing happened.  
  
"Didn't you hear me?" yelled Mark, "I *said*…"  
  
Cein looked up from her keyboard. "I heard you the first time and there's not a chance in hell of me going anywhere near *your* balls!"  
  
-------------------------  
  
Abby started rummaging frantically through her bag. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit," she said.  
  
"What's up girl?" asked Chuny. "You lose something?"  
  
"Worse than that," said Abby, a horrified look on her face as she pulled out a packet of herbal tea. "I just made Dr. Greene a cup of herbal tea…to help boost his immune system."  
  
"That was nice of you," commented Chuny.  
  
"I know…but I'm after using the wrong packet…I gave him my *special* brew."  
  
Chuny looked at her, "Not the special love potion one that's specially formulated to make Carter and Luka crazy about you?"  
  
Abby nodded.  
  
"This I've *got* to see," grinned Chuny as she ran for the door.  
  
She started laughing at the sight of Mark running frantically through the ER, with Luka and Carter in hot pursuit.  
  
"Stop my love," called Luka. "Let me show you how much I love you."  
  
"Don't listen to him," called Carter. "*I'm* the one who's meant to be with you…and besides, I have a bigger bank account than he does!"  
  
"That's about the only thing that *is* bigger," muttered Luka. He had almost caught up with Mark, only to have him dodge through the closing doors of the elevator car. Luka slammed into them and sighed. "Soon my love."  
  
  
  
-------------------------  
  
Mark glanced up quickly as Romano entered the elevator.  
  
"Rumor has it that today's your last day," he commented idly as the car began to move.  
  
"Yes," said Mark, condescendingly. "I've come to the conclusion that the ER will just have to manage without me from now on. I know it won't be easy; after all, I *have* been the center of it for so long. They may fall apart for a while, but I'm sure that eventually they'll be able to cope without me."  
  
"Whatever," said Romano. "Well, guess this is my last chance then." He quickly thumped the emergency stop button.  
  
Before Mark could react, Romano had floored him with a Gyaku Mawashi Geri Kodan.  
  
Sitting on top of him, he produced a bone saw from his lab coat pocket.  
  
"No! Don't hurt me," begged Mark, as Romano clicked the switch and set the saw buzzing.  
  
"Oh don't be such a wuss," said Romano as he lowered the saw towards Mark's skull.  
  
"Why…why are you doing this?"  
  
"I'm sorry…but you have something I need," replied Romano evenly as the saw reached its target.  
  
----------------------  
  
Dave was standing outside the elevator doors. "Man! That equipment sure needs a servicing," he said to Malik. "Listen to the screeching coming from the metal."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Malik. Then he looked quickly at Dave. "Hey, weren't you fired a few months ago?"  
  
Dave shrugged. "Sure was. But the continuity round here is so crappy that I figured I could just turn up for work and nobody would notice." He pointed over to admit where Jerry was ceremonially sacrificing a cream bun. "Big guy over there showed me how."  
  
"And it worked?"  
  
"Hell, I've been here three months and you're the first person to say anything."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Mark found himself standing in a long line of people. "Odd," he thought to himself. "How did I get here?" The last thing he remembered was being in the elevator. "Hmm, that's odd…" He looked at the people around him. There was something odd about them. Mark's jaw dropped open as a woman in front of him turned slightly and revealed a gaping bullet hole in the side of her face. The odd thing was that she didn't seem to be at all bothered by it.  
  
Opening his mouth to scream, Mark heard someone say, "Hey, take it easy newbie…guess it takes a little getting used to."  
  
Turning he saw an elderly man standing behind him.  
  
"I'm dead!" squeaked Mark.  
  
"Yeah…we all are. It's a bit of a shock the first time round."  
  
"The first time?"  
  
"Yeah, I've been reincarnated about half a dozen times. You get used to it. My names Charles, by the way." He held out his hand for Mark to shake.  
  
Mark took it gingerly. "I'm Mark. What…what did you…die of?"  
  
"Shot by a jealous husband," replied Charles, ruefully. "Still, can't complain. Got seventy years out of this body, which is better than some. What about you?"  
  
"Someone I disagreed with, ate me," said Mark sadly.  
  
------------------------  
  
Romano sauntered into the scrub room. Yes he thought. That had been a *most* filling lunch…pity about the aftertaste that was left in his mouth…  
  
He smiled to himself as he turned on the taps. Things had gone just according to plan. Anyone examining the body would be sure to believe that the guy had chosen a bizarre but effective method of suicide…and even if they figured it was murder…well, after the so called 'advice' that he had been handing out all day, there was sure to be a long list of people with motive enough. And then there was that weird group that he'd heard about on the Internet…PMT or PEMG or something like that. Rumor was that he'd been on their hit list as well. Whatever…it was almost a pity he couldn't tell them…they'd probably give him a medal or something. Mentally he reviewed his work…the bone saw had been left in Greene's lifeless hand. The cuts had been made at just the right angle that a person inflicting them himself would make. He had known that watching that show CSI would come in useful one of these days. Man, the chicks on it were pretty hot.  
  
Elizabeth walked in the door scowling.  
  
"Good afternoon Lizzie," smiled Romano, before belching loudly.  
  
"Having a little gastro-intestinal trouble, are we?" asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Must have been something I ate."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Finally after what seemed like an eternity, Mark reached the top of the queue.  
  
"Ah yes, Dr. Greene," said the (Mark guessed it was an angel or something). "Welcome to the afterlife."  
  
"Hello," said Mark. "So what happens next? Do I get a set of wings or something? I mean, I'm pretty sure I deserve a halo."  
  
"Oh, did nobody tell you?"  
  
"Tell me what? You're the first person…er angel…er 'being' that I've met that hasn't just died."  
  
"Oh dear. Normally we have someone standing by to greet people like you, but you arrived a bit earlier than we anticipated."  
  
"People like me?"  
  
"Yes…you see your fate is to haunt the scene of your death for the next ten years."  
  
Mark's face fell. "You mean I'm a ghost? Shit!" A bell rang.  
  
The 'being' frowned and made a note on his pad. "I'm afraid that it's now twelve years…The Powers That Be don't allow swearing around here. It has to be all PG-13…whatever *that* means."  
  
--------------------------  
  
Carter, Luka and Abby looked at Elizabeth in horror.  
  
"What do you mean, you're joining in our 'triangle'?" asked Carter, shock evident on his face.  
  
"Exactly what I said," snapped Elizabeth. "Do you people realize that I've been in one relationship or another since I arrived at County? I can't possibly be expected to be single. Besides, the single mother plot has already been done too many times."  
  
"Okay, so you don't want to be single," said Abby. "But why pick on *us*?"  
  
"Romano is a loathsome little toad, Gallant and Pratt are too young for me. You two guys are the only ones left. So come on now, quit stalling. I intend to jump *someone's* bones tonight. So the first person to come after me is going to get me, and Abby, you can have the other one."  
  
Elizabeth turned and walked away. Behind her, Abby looked smugly at both men. "Well?" Her face turned sour as both Carter and Luka nearly fell over each other in their efforts to get out the door first.  
  
--------------------  
  
Mark looked down at himself as he materialized in the elevator car. "Oh," he said, glumly. "I didn't think I'd still be wearing this." He plucked at the scrubs that were stained with his blood.  
  
"Part of the rules," replied the 'being'. "You only have what you died in. Look on the bright side…at least it'll make it easier to scare people."  
  
"Hmph," grunted Mark. "Hey, can I at least take my shirt off?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Lord no! We just want to shock them a bit…not scare them to death!"  
  
Mark frowned. "So I'm going to be stuck here for twelve years. That's not really fair."  
  
The 'being' shrugged. "It could be worse…at least you have a roommate." He raised his voice. "Hey there, come out and show yourself."  
  
Mark's face brightened as a shadowy figure materialized…then it froze as the face became clear.  
  
"Derek Fossen, meet Mark Greene."  
  
---------------------  
  
Kerry banged on the elevator doors impatiently. "Dammit," she swore. "Frank," she called over to admit. "Phone Maintenance…tell them that Elevator number two is screeching again."  
  
----------------------  
  
"Hi honey, I'm home," called Romano, as he carefully hung up his coat. As usual, Gretel came bounding down the stairs to meet him. He crouched down and petted her as she started licking his face. "Yes Gretel, Daddy had himself a very nice lunch today, thank you very much. It was that nasty Dr. Greene."  
  
Gretel whined at him. "No, don't worry, Daddy was very careful to make sure nobody saw him."  
  
"Whine whine."  
  
"Nope, no security cameras around. Thanks to Dr. Greene actually. See at the last budget meeting, he argued that having cameras in the elevator cars were an invasion of privacy or something. Whatever." He scratched Gretel behind the ears.  
  
She barked.  
  
"What's that? You don't think I should have eaten him? Well maybe not…but what the hell, he was a jerk."  
  
Gretel whined and pawed at Romano.  
  
Romano frowned. "What's that girl? Some cultures believe that by eating a person's flesh that you start to take on some of their characteristics?" He started to look a little queasy. "Strange…I have this overwhelming desire to remove my shirt…oh no!"  
  
He made a mad dash for the bathroom and puked in the toilet.  
  
Dogs can't smile…but Gretel made a damn good attempt at it. That'd teach him to cut down on her biscuit ration.  
  
----------------------  
  
Notes: The Romano eating Mark thing is a reference to the 'Leonard Betts' episode of 'the X-files' where Paul McCrane played a guy who used to cut cancer out of people and eat it. (Yeah, I know, I'm sick and twisted, okay?)  
  
PEMG is Posters for the Euthanasia of Mark Greene. Their motto 'JUST KILL HIM ALREADY!" (Thank you Susan!)  
  
I know that some people who have suffered losses from cancer have posted about being upset/offended by all the jokes about tumors and killing off Mark. Well I have lost my Mother, two of my Grandparents, a great-aunt, a great-uncle, and last month a cousin of mine to Cancer. Sometimes joking about it is the only way to get through it, so I'm *not* apologizing for it.  
  
Ceindreadh 


	16. Chaotic Snippets

CHAOTIC SNIPPETS  
  
WARNING - The author of this fic disavows any and all responsibility for damage to monitors, keyboards, mice, pets, offspring, partners etc, caused by peoples reactions to this fic. If you don't have enough sense by now to move all foodstuffs and liquids to a safe distance *before* reading this fic, then there's no hope for you g  
  
WARNING - some of these snippets are based on spoilers for season 9 including the recently aired season premiere. Others just come straight from the sick and twisted recesses of my mind. But a few of them are courtesy of Fat Cat who gave me the ideas for them.  
  
--------------------  
  
Luka looked at the chart as he walked into the exam room. "So...you've been having some headaches, Mr. Sobriki..." His voice trailed off and his pleasant expression faded from his face as he looked at the man who was in restraints on the bed. "You!" he said coldly.  
  
Paul Sobriki cowered down in the bed, scared by the thunderous expression that had appeared on the doctor's face.  
  
Luka stormed over to the bed and grabbed Sobriki by the neck. "Why the hell couldn't you have done a better job, you idiot?"  
  
------------------  
  
Mark leaned against the doorway and said smugly, "Anyway, I gave Rachel a lecture about smoking and I'm sure she's not going to do it again. Honestly, she didn't even realize how careless she was by leaving her cigarette lighter in her jeans."  
  
"Yes Mark," said Elizabeth automatically, as she continued sorting through the laundry.  
  
Mark continued, "And personally I think that on some subconscious level she just *wanted* to get caught because she knew that she was having a problem with things and she wanted her father to sort them out for her. And of course I was able to do that for her."  
  
Elizabeth pulled her hand out of Mark's pocket, which she had just been emptying. "So you think she wanted to get caught?" she asked, with deceptive sweetness.  
  
"Oh of course, I mean she's only a teenager, but she's not dumb enough to leave incriminating evidence somewhere it's going to be easily found."  
  
"Then maybe you can explain *these*," said Elizabeth, holding out the set of earplugs.  
  
---------------------  
  
Luka did his best to stop the bleeding from Romano's arm. "Get the limb into ice," he yelled. "We may be able to re-attach it!"  
  
Romano grabbed at him with his remaining hand. "Never mind the arm...just make sure you don't lose my Rolex."  
  
-------------------  
  
Abby hurried up to Jing-Mei. "You've got to help me," she announced. "Carter and I are already bored stiff with each other. If I don't do something drastic, our relationship isn't going to last."  
  
"You haven't even been together a week," said Jing-Mei. "How can you be bored already?"   
  
"Because there's been nothing to do but talk, and I've already used up a years worth of conversation with him."  
  
"So what do you want to do? I mean you can't exactly grow a different personality overnight. It's not like hair that'll grow two inches in a week."  
  
"Hair! That's it!" squealed Abby. She grabbed Jing-Mei by the arm and started dragging her towards the supply closet. "If I go blonde, then it doesn't matter how dull I am, Carter will still be interested."  
  
----------------------  
  
Abby had a towel wrapped round her shoulders as she leaned over a basin. "Just pour it all on," she ordered Jing-Mei. "I can't wait to be a blonde."  
  
"Are you sure about this?" asked Jing-Mei, cautiously as she held the jug. "I mean, I don't know. Maybe you should wait and get a professional stylist. You know, with the right chemicals, instead of just stealing something from the ER."   
  
"Just go ahead and pour. I know what I'm doing. After all, I *was* second in my class at med-school. And the only reason I dropped out was because I *love* being a nurse."  
  
Jing-Mei mouthed 'I love being a nurse' along with Abby and rolled her eyes. Out loud she said, "Okay then, hold still," and tipped the jug, pouring a generous amount over Abby's head.  
  
"Ouch ouch ouch!" yelped Abby. "It's stinging!"  
  
Jing-Mei quickly stopped pouring. "It shouldn't do that...I mean, you diluted it enough, right?" There was no response from Abby. "Don't tell me that Miss 'I was second in my class at med school' decided to put *neat* bleach on her hair."  
  
"But I wanted to be really really blonde," wailed Abby.   
  
"Well...how do you feel about being a red-head?" asked Jing-Mei. "Cause that's what you are now...no hair, just a red head."  
  
----------------------  
  
"Yo, Dr. Kovac!" called Malik, as the Croatian doctor walked through the crowd of County staff who had gathered round the hospital once the evacuation was complete.   
  
"What are you doing?" asked Luka, looking round at the group.   
  
"We're just setting up the latest pool. You want in?"  
  
"What is it now?" asked Luka, tiredly. "How many days until the next major disaster? It can't be on when Carter and Abby get together, because I know that Lydia already won that one."   
  
"It's how long until somebody snaps under the quarantine and starts killing everybody. You can pick who you think is going to go nuts, and who you think gets bumped off first. Want to join in?"  
  
"Oh most definitely," said Luka, an evil grin on his face. "But what happens if the quarantine is lifted first."  
  
"Oh you don't need to worry about that," answered Kerry, who had suddenly appeared by his shoulder. "I've made arrangements with the CDC. The quarantine stays up until someone dies. And I've rigged the security cameras so that we can see everything that happens. I figure that we can sell the video rights and recover all our costs."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Luka walked down the corridors of County General whistling merrily. "Good morning, Haleh," he said, catching the nurse around the waist and giving her a quick hug. "And is it not a beautiful day."  
  
Haleh tried not to swoon from being in such close proximity to the luscious Doctor Kovac. "It's just after getting a whole lot better," she replied, a smile on her face. "You seem in a great mood. What happened?"  
  
"Ah," said Luka, letting go of Haleh, and skipping merrily around her. "I have just heard that Carter and Abby are finally a couple."  
  
"Oh honey," said Haleh, trying not to get dizzy as Luka started doing cartwheels. She wished that he wasn't wearing so many clothes. Hell, she wished that he wasn't wearing *any*. "I'm so sorry. I know you and she...I'm sorry honey."  
  
"Don't be," said Luka, a big grin almost splitting his face in two. "I am really happy...just think of how miserable she is going to make Carter!"  
  
------------------------  
  
Kerry stared at Abby's time card in shock and disgust. "You really expect to be paid overtime for every single hour you were under quarantine?"  
  
"Hey," replied Abby, "I was stuck with Carter for two whole weeks. Of course I expect to be paid."   
  
"Well I'm not sure if we'll be able to afford it," said Kerry. "Carter, Chen and Pratt have already filed a suit for emotional distress caused by being locked up in close proximity to *you* for two whole weeks." She rummaged in her pocket. "But maybe this will allow us to recoup some of our costs." She handed a sheet of paper to Abby. "This is an invoice for all the food, condoms, and bleach that you consumed during the two weeks. Also, I've added in a charge for rent, light and heat, and laundry bills."   
  
-----------------------  
  
Abby smiled smugly as she sat in Kerry's office.   
  
"Are you sure that you want to be paid this overtime?" asked Kerry. "The hospital would have been more than willing to pay you your average weekly wage plus usual overtime for the past two weeks. But there's no need to be greedy."  
  
"I'm entitled to it," said Abby. "After all, I *was* in the hospital for two weeks."  
  
"Doing about as much work as usual," muttered Kerry under her breath as she handed Abby the check.   
  
Abby took it and left without even a thank you.  
  
Kerry waited until she judged that Abby had reached the admit desk before she reached for the microphone that was connected to the intercom system. Clearing her throat, she flipped the switch to 'transmit', and started to speak. "This is a message to all of the nurses currently in the ER. I regret to inform you, that thanks to Abby Lockhart insisting on being paid for two weeks solid overtime, there is no money left in the budget to give you the raises that you were promised. I apologize most sincerely, but the matter was completely beyond my control."  
  
Kerry flipped the switch to 'receive' and counted under her breath. She had reached three when she heard the first of Abby's screams.   
  
--------------------  
  
"Um, Abby..." said Carter as he saw her frolicking in the water of Lake Michigan. "I don't think that's a good idea."  
  
"C'mon Carter," yelled Abby. "Don't tell me you're afraid of catching cold."  
  
"No, I'm not afraid of catching cold," replied Carter. "Didn't you read the newspapers at all when you got out of quarantine?"  
  
Abby shook her head, "No, what did I miss? Can't imagine it was anything interesting or relevant."  
  
"Weeeelll..." said Carter. "I think that the sudden and unexpected discovery of a shoal of piranha in Lake Michigan might be of some relevance." He had stooped to pick up Abby's discarded clothing, and when he looked up again, all that was to be seen in the water was a large pool of blood. "Oops! Maybe I should have mentioned that a little earlier."  
  
--------------------  
  
THE END...for now! 


End file.
